An Odd Analogy of Flies

You know that annoying sound of a fly buzzing in the room?

It's disappointing to know that it's a myth that flies only live for 2 days. That noisy pest not only leaves little larvae on your surfaces but it does it for up to 25 days with pleasure until it's death. They even leave their carcass to pick up in our window tracks or that soaker tub in your master bathroom you never use. 

Much like a narcissistic sociopath who feeds off of their supply, pressing the buttons they created to watch and learn how to emulate emotions to outsiders. They drop their wormy little digs that invade the minds of their victims; creating holes in thoughts and memories they repaint for others while leaving their victims looking crazy and leaving them feeling empty and hopeless. Until the day their victim leaves, learns to set boundaries, or the narcissistic sociopath decides they no longer have a need for that supply. 'What about the carcass?', you are probably thinking. The carcass is the trauma. It's the mess they leave by the smear campaign they started from the beginning. It's the time they steal from the victim in trying to connect the dots after the chaos. 

It's exhausting.

Years and years I have wondered what I had done to deserve to be treated the way I have been. Why did I attract people into my life that seemed to get pleasure out of hurting me? I mean, they just kept doing it and I kept letting them. I kept taking them back after empty apologies or no apology at all. 

It was a cycle of me loving and thinking I was being loved only to find that the love I thought I was receiving was painful. 

It wasn't even real though. 

Sometimes it was even retracted. 

My sister (let's call her Betty) actually wrote me a note once saying she loved me. It brought me to tears. I had always wanted her to show me she loved me and wanted me to be a part of her life. We were young when she wrote the note. I was about 13 and she was 14. Our mom had her new boyfriend move in. Betty was mad and didn't want to live with our mom anymore so she packed her clothes, a few personal items and her hamster she had just gotten for Christmas. She snuck out the bedroom window and left me the note. She said she was leaving to go live with our dad because of, let's call him Batman, moving in. She said not to follow her and that she'd call later to tell our mom. The last part she said, "I know I never tell you this but I do love you". It meant so much to me to hear that she she knew it would. Once she moved back to our mom's I made the mistake of telling her I kept the note. She wanted to see it so I showed it to her. She proceeds to rip it up and told me she lied and that she actually hates me. She retracted. Yet I always still sought her love and acceptance. 

And I wondered why I dated and even twice married people who showed "love" in hurtful ways. 

My mom would tell me she loved me all the time. It was usually when getting ready to end a phone call. If I didn't say it back, she'd call me back to tell me to say it. It became so meaningless to say, "Okayloveyoutoobye" as if it was one word. 

I'm sitting here thinking, 'did she ever say it in person? I know she must have...' but I honestly don't know if she did. She's my mom so she must have, right? Maybe when someone else was around to hear it but... still I'm not coming up with any memories. Could be clouded by the gaslights. Who fricken knows? 

Two memories. I have shared two memories through keystrokes on my laptop while thinking of many more that didn't make their way into text, yet. I'm looking at it as progress. That's two memories shared that two of my mental perpetrators wished for me not to share because it contradicts the little lies they live. It compromises the masks they wear in their business and personal worlds. 

There's a sayin that I say when people wonder why my two ex-husbands fought legal battles with me since the moment I left them: "The worst thing you can do is leave a narcissist but it's also the best thing you can do for you".

Realizing what hell you are living in is the most scary and enlightening thing you can feel. Narcissists don't know how to feel genuine emotion. They see you in that moment of seeing them for who they are as a threat. Sometimes it is worse after leaving or setting boundaries. You feel so free but they also make you a target. To them it's like, 'how dare you reject ME!' Often times their wrath is so nasty you think it'll never end. Sometimes it doesn't. 

I have had my business trashed. Death threats from strangers. Threats to have my children taken from me. My sister and my mom even befriended my first ex-husband and helped him get and keep custody of my oldest child. Yep, you read that right. That's a whole other blog post though. Most recently my mom texted ex-husband #2 and my sister was Cc'd on the message. They just can't help themselves. It's not like they liked any of the people I was ever with. Especially the two I married. Narcissists never like other narcissists. Especially when they share a common "supply". 

You ever see a room with a bunch of flies in a group. They always stay far enough away so they don't bump into each other but still remain close enough to the common shared source of their attraction. 

Don't get discouraged. This blog is not going to be a bunch of awful memories and uncomfortableness from my broken existence. There were good memories too. Lots of them. 

My life has been like living with that fly that buzzes around your room. It lands for a while and that buzzing subsides to give you momentary peace. Just enough to make you forget about how shitty of a sound it is. Those are the good times. And they can be pretty good times too. 

I'm creating so many more good memories in my life now. But now I'm armed with bug spray and one of those zappy things that ends the existence of pests before they drive you to the brink momentary insanity.