Narcissists hate happy people that's why holidays are tough when spent with narcissists.
When you have children with narcissists....
Holidays are tough when "co-parenting" with a narcissist. I use quotation marks because narcissists don't co-parent; they counter parent. Which, in part, is why holidays are tough. I say, in part because narcissists need to steal joy from others on holidays and they always create conflict, tears and turmoil on special occasions. When "co-parenting" with a narcissist it can look like this:
1) Being served with a court summons days before a holiday or one scheduled for that holiday
2) An aggressive email. For example: giving you instructions with their expectations for the holiday time with the children
3) Being late for an exchange and/ or making you late for your event
4) Not allowing a call to your children on the holiday as the court orders allow
5) Overtly calling or texting with the children during your holiday time with the children shifting the focus on them
These are just a few of the things I've dealt with over the 18 years I've tried co-parenting with narcissists. I can't count how many holidays or birthdays I've spent in a court room. Or how many times I've spent trying to meet a deadline to file a response to a motion served upon me before a holiday- thus stealing joy and attention from my children and myself. Then there's the emails. Oh, so many emails. Emails that threaten me. That demean me as a person, a mother, a co-parent. Emails demanding that I do this or that to make them look like the "better parent" (yes those are their words). I can't count how many times my calls go unanswered on holidays but on the flip side how many calls or texts my children get from their other parent when the children are with me. How about on my birthday when they are running late and I am late for my birthday plans. Or late exchanges when my holiday time is supposed to start. Or the holidays I would get a call telling me that they didn't get anything for our child and I need to come and get them so they don't feel left out. Pretty shitty, huh?
At least I'm no longer in a relationship with a narcissist and living with them. Those holidays were simply awful. The ride to my narcissistic mother's house to be judged by both her and my narcissistic sister were enough to keep me medicated a whole year round. Trying to appease all the fucking narcissists in my life who were jam packed into one house on a holiday where all of the narcissists were competing for attention. It was exhausting.
I used to be one who loved holidays. I loved birthdays, no matter who's they were. Once you are given a gift and had it taken back because you "don't deserve it" or told you need to "pay them back" for the gift years later (thanks mom) or not given anything and told you're greedy for expecting a gift from your husband who complained that their gift was "dumb" or "cheap" that you gave them. Holidays hurt.
I tried for years to make everyone else happy because since I was a child, I was gaslighted to believe that that's how I could be happy- if I did things for other people and not expected anything in return.
I understand now that in a healthy relationship there is give and take and it's equal. It is done with love not guilt. Holidays are meant to be celebrated with joy. And the meaning behind the saying, "it's the thought that counts" is that actual love and understanding is what's put into the gift. That is the part that counts. Love and understanding are somethings a narcissist don't have for anyone but themself. No wonder my holidays hurt.
I'm not sharing my holidays with narcissists anymore. Narcissists are the stealers of joy. They are emotional vampires. There is no happy ending with even one narcissist in my life. They don't know the meaning of a holly jolly Christmas or a happy new year. Now, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving with a 25 course meal. I don't even cook a meal for Thanksgiving because I only really like the mashed potatoes and pie. But, I am so thankful that this marks the first Thanksgiving without a narcissist and I am celebrating that with mashed potatoes and pie.
It feels pretty good blowing out the gaslight.
